CONVERSATIONS WITH MYSELF

I wasn't always like this...
Or maybe, I think I wasn't always like this.
My earliest memories portray me as someone who was not like me; someone who was more caring and more interested in people.
But then again, maybe, I'm making up those memories.
Maybe, I have always been strict, unconcerned, and uninterested in people.
I think I used to enjoy conversations with people or maybe, I have always been a loner.
Maybe, the times I "enjoyed" being with people and having conversations with them, I was faking it.
I think I've changed!
Or maybe, I was always like this.
Yesterday, she called me and gave me the longest lecture since my Law of Trusts lecturerer's last class of last semester.
She talked about how I didn't care about anyone again and how stiff my heart had become towards people.
But I don't think that's true.
I think I'm only looking out for myself and those I care about.
And sometimes, I have thought to be Mother Teresa and sacrifice everything for others but I think of what would be of me if abandon myself for others.
I no longer think; I am sure that there is nothing wrong with pursuing my own self interest to a most beneficial end.
And of course, I think people are bad and unreliable, and ever willing to strike the fatal blow.
Did I change because of people?
Doing so would be wholly condescending of myself; I think I simply learnt that while I won't hurt anyone for my ends, I would at least, pursue my enlightened self interest.
It's a world that readily expects care and attention from you and is ready to throw you to the wolves if you don't seem to be doing so but I like to ask: if I'm broken, do I still have an "obligation" to care?
Don't I deserve to expect to be fixed?
Don't I even have the right to fix myself first before I can fix others?
In truth, you have the right to live for yourself only; you really don't owe anyone love or care.
I think your first duty is to yourself; to build yourself; to grow yourself and to look out for yourself alone because really, you can't have the capacity to invest and build others if you don't exist or if your existence is of no value to yourself, lest others.
But it's not enough to think of yourself alone; you have to think and care for others but I don't think it should ever be at your own expense.
So, maybe, I never changed.
Maybe, I just got wiser.